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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386850">And If You Would Let Them Hold You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeciliaTallis/pseuds/CeciliaTallis'>CeciliaTallis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>12 Monkeys (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, F/M, Post-Canon, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:55:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeciliaTallis/pseuds/CeciliaTallis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All the moments when time was not on Cassie and Cole’s side. Until it was.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Cole/Cassandra Railly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 2015</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic will explore many moments that we did not see on screen. It will be canon compliant and alternate between Cassie and Cole's point of view.</p><p>There will be angst. Because it wouldn't be Cassie and Cole if there wasn't.....</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2015</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>She held her breath as his fingers laced through hers. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie closed her eyes and for that moment, nothing else mattered. Cole was here. He was alive. And for the first time in two years, Cassie didn’t have to steel herself against him suddenly disappearing from her life. The paradox had destroyed his tether. He now belonged to her time. The thought flooded her with joy.</p><p> </p><p>Cole was waiting for her to meet his gaze. His eyes were open and full of warmth; telling her what she dared not ask out loud. As the snow swirled around them, Cassie felt like they were on the precipice of something new. He smiled slightly and squeezed her hand. His tight grip felt like an anchor against the swirling emotions within her chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> But this isn’t over.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cassie forced her eyes away from his face and stared ahead. The child who was also the man at her side had gone inside the foster home with Ramse. Both Coles had been saved last night. Jones was gone. And yet the mission remained. This world was still in jeopardy and they had mere months to stop the Army of the 12 Monkeys. But now it was just the two of them against an army and without a time machine to fight them. She slowly withdrew her hand from his and turned to face him.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, we have to find Aaron. He could know everything.”</p><p> </p><p>Anger flashed in his eyes. “All those years --- my father. It was always because of us.”</p><p> </p><p>The words hung there between them. Cassie’s heart clenched. Cole had gotten his father back and then lost him all over again. She thought of her own mother and her regrets; all the things that had been left unsaid. </p><p> </p><p>“Cole, this isn’t your fault. Your father died protecting you from <em> them</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole nodded. “I know that, I do. It was just … a lot seeing him again. Cassie, he looked just like I remembered him. But I realized I had forgotten what his voice sounded like.”</p><p> </p><p>He broke off and closed his eyes, gathering himself. Cassie fought against every instinct to pull him close.</p><p> </p><p>“There was so much that I wanted to tell him, so much I needed to understand. He talked about my mother in a way I never heard as a kid…” He trailed off again, his face lined with sadness. The wind pushed his hair into his eyes. Without thinking, Cassie reached up and gently pushed his hair off his face. Her fingers lingered there for a moment against his cheek. Cole leaned in slightly to her touch and her breath hitched in her throat. </p><p> </p><p>Time seemed to stop for just a moment. </p><p> </p><p>Then a car door slammed behind them and Cassie spun around, on alert. The driver of a delivery truck cursed loudly at the parking restrictions. She relaxed for a moment but it was a salient reminder: they were exposed with nowhere to go. And the Army would be looking for them even if she hoped that the explosion had rid them of the Tall Man.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, we have to move on. They can trace us to here. Someone could be watching us right now.” She couldn’t help but nervously look over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded and smiled wryly, “And thanks to me, your grandparents’ bookstore is blown up.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie managed a laugh. “Well at least you took some of those assholes out with you. Come on, let’s get something to eat and figure out our next steps.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’m starving.” </p><p> </p><p>“Of course you are.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole raised an eyebrow, narrowing his eyes playfully. “Hey, you paradox yourself and see how you feel.”</p><p> </p><p>She laughed again and fell in step with him as he began walking toward the car. </p><p> </p><p>*******</p><p> </p><p>“What’s pad theigh?”</p><p> </p><p>They were sitting in a booth at a Thai restaurant. Cassie had driven to Federal Hill to regroup. It was a neighborhood bustling with people unaware that the world would soon end. It was public enough to temporarily avoid a confrontation with anyone who might be following them but close to the highway if they needed to disappear quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie stifled a laugh. “You mean, pad <em> thai?</em> It’s a noodle dish. Try it, you’ll like it. But you’re definitely going to need a fork, Cole.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” he growled, smiling. “Guess I have time to try a lot of new things now.” He looked up at her quickly and then back down at the menu.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie took refuge in her own menu and kept her voice light. “Imagine all the culinary delights ahead of you. Not just cheeseburgers anymore, Cole.” </p><p> </p><p>“Why would anyone want to eat anything else? Okay, pad… thai? Pad thai it is.”</p><p> </p><p>After they had ordered, Cassie turned to business. “I think I should reach out to Aaron. I can act like I want to talk and ask him to meet me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Doesn’t sound like you ended your last conversation too friendly.” Cole met her eyes and the sentence hung there for a moment. This wasn’t just about the mission and she knew it.</p><p> </p><p>“It didn’t.” She paused as Cole shifted in his seat. “But if I call him, he will come.” A range of emotions flash across Cole’s face. <em> Is he jealous? </em></p><p> </p><p>“I”ll ask to meet him near the waterfront in DC. It’s in Southwest, close to his office. There’s a place that we used to meet to go sailing near the hill. It’s quiet and close to a bunch of abandoned warehouses. We’ll pick one. Then I’ll meet him alone and keep him talking while you make sure he’s alone. I can make him think I’ve had second thoughts.”</p><p> </p><p>“And then?”</p><p> </p><p>“You still have a gun?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole was silent. He leaned back and held her gaze., “Yes,” he responded slowly, “But Cassie I don’t think…”</p><p> </p><p>“Good. Then you can use it to force us to the warehouse. Then after we get him inside, we’ll get him to talk.” </p><p> </p><p>As she heard herself saying these words out loud, Cassie couldn’t believe that they were coming out of her mouth. But it was the only way they would have any hope of getting Aaron Marker alone. Whatever he had done, Aaron loved her. And now she would have to use that.</p><p> </p><p>Cole leaned forward, his brow furrowed. “Cassie, are you sure that you want to do this? I can take care of it. You don’t have to.”</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, he was <em> my </em> boyfriend. I trusted him. He betrayed <em> me.</em> There’s no way I am sitting this out.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole nodded and then they were silent for a few moments. Cassie felt the anger rising up again. <em> How could he. </em> Aaron had betrayed everything -- her trust, her mission, the world. First, he questioned her sanity. Then when he <em> finally </em> believed her, he had used them to buy safe passage from a pandemic. As if she ever could have stood by and let people die. All those years and he didn’t know her at all.  <em>And Cole lost his father because of him. </em> She would never forget Matthew Cole lying in the street. Or the pain in Cole’s eyes when she had told him his father was gone.</p><p> </p><p>Cole dipped his head to meet her gaze. “Cassie, are<em> you </em> ok? I’m not the only one who went through hell last night. What happened … we can talk about it you know.” His eyes were searching her face. She cleared her throat and straightened her back. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, Cole. Really. That’s the past now. All that matters is finding a way to stop them. We’re on our own and we only have a few months left.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, then we’ll do it your way. But when it comes time to question him, believe me, you don't want to be a part of that. We'll make it seem like you got away.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie silently assented to the compromise and slid out of the booth to call Aaron. She took a deep breath and dialed the first number in her recent calls. What a difference one day could make.</p><p> </p><p>He picked up immediately. Cassie closed her eyes and swallowed the bile in her throat. She made her voice sound as soft as possible and told Aaron everything that she knew that he would want to hear: that she had been rash, that he was right, that she wanted out, and to see him. As she hung up, Cassie almost felt guilty at how relieved and hopeful he sounded. She clenched her jaw. <em> He made his choice. </em></p><p> </p><p>When she returned to their booth, the food had arrived and Cole was struggling to get the noodles on a fork. She smiled to herself. </p><p> </p><p>“Cole, like this.” She took his fork and twirled the noodles around. As she handed the fork back to him, he looked amazed and smiled so broadly that it flooded her with warmth. She marveled at how in the middle of this madness, something so simple could make her feel so happy.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded as he chewed. “Cassie, this is fantastic. I should always listen to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you should.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole smirked. “Easy there.” Then gravely, “So, is he coming?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, tomorrow at noon. In southwest DC. We can go there first thing and scope it out. It will be no one but us and people working the fish market at that time.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked at her, waiting for her to say more. Cassie picked up her fork and started eating instead. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment, he changed course. “So, what did you think of Jones?”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. “She sure is something. I <em> think </em> I liked her.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ha, yeah she can be a little abrupt at first.”</p><p> </p><p>“A <em> little</em>? At <em> first</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole laughed and held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I wasn’t sure for a long time either. But man, I didn’t know much I was going to miss her until today. I can’t believe I’m never going to see her again.”</p><p> </p><p>“What was that like?” Cassie asked leaning forward. “Seeing the younger version of her?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was weird. It was her for sure -- bossy, confident. But she was a little softer too -- I don’t know. From what Ramse told me, I always knew that losing her daughter was behind the mission but seeing how she was before that — it really let me see how it changed her. ”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie opened her mouth to say something and then stopped. <em> It’s not my secret to tell. </em> She thought back to how Jones had confided in her about her pregnancy just yesterday. And then this morning how she had changed her mind and decided to have that very daughter. How strange that the choice was, in some way, why Cole was sitting across from her right now. Cassie shook her head as a dark thought entered her mind. <em> Is there anything that we can actually change? </em></p><p> </p><p>“What is it?” Cassie looked up and saw Cole’s concerned expression. For a moment, it chased the dark thoughts away. <em> He misses nothing. </em> It was generally endearing that he already knew her so well. But frustrating at the moment nevertheless.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s nothing. I was just thinking about the heartache that is ahead of her. I can’t imagine losing a child.’</p><p> </p><p>Cole thought for a moment. Then he swallowed hard and pushed his plate away. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. Cassie immediately reached across the table and grabbed his hand. She remained silent, waiting for him to speak.</p><p> </p><p>“I was so hard on Ramse. I know what you’re going to say and it doesn’t make anything he did right. Of course it doesn’t. But I coulda listened more, you know? Been there for him. He always was for me. Seeing us today at the foster home …and what my dad was willing to do for me, basically a stranger to him ….I just wish it all hadn’t gone the way it did.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie inhaled sharply. Given what she had seen today, she had finally begun to understand the bond that Cole had with this man. But it didn’t change the fact that he was <em>the witness. </em>Ramse was now their enemy -- the architect of a plague that would end the world. Compared to Ramse, Aaron was a boy scout. Of course it was natural to regret the past but they had to be clear eyed about the future. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie squeezed his hand and leaned back in her seat. “I know you do, Cole. I’m sorry.” She looked around at all the people having dinner oblivious to the fact that Jose Ramse was plotting their mass death in a matter of months. As much as her heart ached for Cole, that was all that she could give him.</p><p> </p><p>Cole sniffed. “Well not much to be done about it now.” He gave her a crooked smile. The setting sun cast long shadows through the windows.  “What do you say we get out of here and find a place to crash until morning?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>*******</p><p> </p><p>Cassie turned the key to the hotel room and the door creaked open. “Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>There was only one bed. </p><p> </p><p>Cole stopped in his tracks and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. I’ll sleep on the floor. I’m used to far worse.” </p><p> </p><p>“Cole, I’m sorry. This isn’t what I asked for. I think there is something going on at the convention center. Maybe this is all that they had.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole gently touched her shoulder and said, “Cassie, believe me, if you had ever been to where I’m from you’d understand that I’ll get a better night sleep on this floor than I’ve had in years. Don’t worry about it, really. Now, where’s that whiskey?”</p><p> </p><p>She held the bottle up and strode toward the table and two chairs. She could feel Cole’s eyes on her as she opened the bottle and poured generously into two glasses. She pretended to focus on the task at hand. But all of a sudden she was intensely aware that she and James Cole were in a hotel room and no fritzing lights were going to take him away. They were alone. All night. </p><p> </p><p>She drew in a shaky breath and turned to hand a glass to Cole. “To 2015, your new home.” Their eyes locked. </p><p> </p><p>“To 2015,” he replied. As soon as he took a sip, Cassie gulped down half her glass.</p><p> </p><p>Cole eyed her curiously as he took a seat. “I didn't know you could knock 'em back like that.”</p><p> </p><p>As the warmth flooded her body, Cassie felt her nerves steady and the tension in her shoulders ease slightly. She sat down across from him.</p><p> </p><p>“Well there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Cole.” Cassie sounded a lot more confident than she felt. It was true. But also untrue. </p><p> </p><p>He raised an eyebrow at the challenge and leaned forward slightly. “Is that right?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s right.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, tell me what I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want to know?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole bit his lip for a moment and considered that. Suddenly, all of the rules Cassie had made up to keep her emotions under control were gone. Cole wasn’t going anywhere. She and Aaron were done. The guardrails were off. It was thrilling and terrifying all at once.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you show up in Philly?”</p><p> </p><p><em> Wow, ok. </em>Cassie took another swig of whiskey. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, the watch trick was pretty startling, Cole. And then you did disappear in front of my eyes. So I had to find out if I was crazy. <em> Everyone </em>thought I was crazy. Sometimes I even felt crazy. And if I wasn’t, then I had to do something to help.” </p><p> </p><p>Another sip of whiskey. <em> And I kept seeing your face in my head for two years. I just needed to see you again and even I couldn’t understand why.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole gave a nod and folded his arms. “Ok, you go.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie smiled and poured more whiskey into their glasses. She had always wondered something and she was already on her second glass. <em> Fuck it. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Have you ever had a girl that you were seeing back in 2043?”</p><p> </p><p>An amused look passed across Cole’s face. “Um that’s not where I thought you were going but ok. Yeah, there have been … um, you know, women. There was a woman I saw a while back.” Cole paused. “Her name was Max. But she’s gone now. And that ended a long time ago anyway.” His eyes met hers. “Why do you ask?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just always wondered. You have seen so much of my life. I don’t really know about yours.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well there hasn’t been much in my life that I’d want you to see, Cassie. All the things that are worth doing, I’ve done here. With you.”</p><p> </p><p>A lump formed in her throat. Her mind flashed to them dancing at the museum. The nervous look on his face. They way it felt to have his hands on her body, to be that close. How many times since had she sat alone in the bookstore listening to “These Arms of Mine,” with a whiskey in hand, wondering if she would ever see him again? Before his return, it had become her ritual of remembering him. Longing for him.    </p><p> </p><p>Cole set his glass down and it interrupted her thoughts. “My turn. What were <em> you </em> like as a kid? It’s only fair. You already met me as one.” They laughed together at the absurdity.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie thought for a moment. “Well, I was pretty serious. Always wanted to be a doctor. I danced ballet until I was old enough to quit -- not every caterpillar becomes a butterfly I guess. Kind of thought I had it all figured out. My grandparents owned that bookstore and my mom was a psychologist. So they fed me books and my mom was always talking about art and writing. I thought that was boring and usually was trying to dissect something gross. Looking back, it was important— seeing her like that, being a professional woman. I just assumed that’s what women could do. She was kind of my hero. I’m sure that seems silly coming from where you come from.”</p><p> </p><p>“No it doesn’t. Sometimes you can’t figure out who you want to be until someone else shows you.”</p><p> </p><p>The way he was looking at her made Cassie feel like there was more to that, but she wouldn’t allow herself to take the bait. Instead, she finished her whiskey and poured them another.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s going to be that kind of night, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I think so” she answered.  “We’ve earned it. And, for once, you have no place to be.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole chuckled and tipped his glass to her before taking a sip.</p><p> </p><p>“Ok, Cole, I’m up. If there wasn’t all of <em> this </em>,” she waved generally around them, “and you could go anywhere right now, where would you go?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, good question. Well, I really liked that museum. I wish I could see more things like that. Beautiful things, you know? Things that people made before they were worried about what they were going to eat next. But, if I could go anywhere tomorrow, I guess I would really like to see the ocean.”</p><p> </p><p>“The Keys,” she said softly. Their eyes met. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, The Keys.”</p><p> </p><p>They were quiet for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Where’s your favorite place that you’ve been?”</p><p> </p><p>“Me? Hmmm. Well, once I started working I didn’t take a lot of time for vacation. My residency, fellowship and practice didn’t leave a lot of time for that. Oh well!” She grimaced slightly and took another large gulp. “But I travelled a lot between college and med school backpacking in Europe....”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked confused. “Backpacking?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, like, you pack a backpack and kind of hop around all over from country to country, and you kinda don’t know where you are going next.”</p><p> </p><p>“Huh.”</p><p> </p><p>She giggled at his confoundment. The whiskey was starting to make her feel a little lightheaded. </p><p> </p><p>“So you were a scav? That’s basically what you are saying? For fun?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ha. Well when you put it that way. No, I mean I had a plan. But it was probably the time in my life when I least had a plan, if that makes sense. Anyway, I loved London. I loved all of its history, the pubs and markets, the secret gardens tucked away that you would miss if you weren’t paying attention. I wandered around London a lot.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked at her wistfully. “I would’ve liked to have wandered around a beautiful place like that. With you.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie looked up at him, surprised. His glass was empty and he was looking at her in a way that made her stop breathing. He was so open and vulnerable that she felt her heart swell. All of a sudden she couldn’t hold it in anymore. </p><p> </p><p>“I was so afraid that I was going to lose you yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole absorbed that for a moment. Then he shifted his chair closer. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for everything that you did. If it weren’t for you, I never would’ve made it. I know what a pain in the ass Jones can be.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie nodded but she couldn’t speak. She could feel tears pricking and she was desperately trying to keep them at bay. She blinked her eyes rapidly and looked up, but it was no use. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this all of a sudden. Maybe it’s the whiskey or....”</p><p> </p><p>Cole’s hands took both of hers in his. “Hey, I’m here. <em> I’m here. </em> And for the first time, I’m not going anywhere. You and me, we’re in this together.” He looked deeply into her eyes. “Whatever comes.” </p><p> </p><p>His voice was soft and low. It stirred something deep within her. He was so close, she could feel his warm breath on her skin as he made that solemn promise. Cassie felt like she was being pulled under by a current.</p><p> </p><p>She leaned forward and whispered, “Here’s something else that you don’t know about me. I used to hate it when you’d go.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole swallowed hard at that but didn’t answer. The narrow space between them felt charged. Cassie lowered her eyes to his lips. She could just do it. Right now. She wanted to, desperately. For a moment, Cole leaned almost imperceptibly forward. It was so quiet that Cassie could hear the second hand ticking on her wristwatch.</p><p> </p><p>There was a knock at the door. Their heads both snapped in its direction. Cole rasped, “Get in the bathroom. <em> Now.”</em></p><p> </p><p>Cassie hurried to the bathroom and left the door slightly ajar to monitor what was happening. She exhaled. It was only someone from the front desk. She could hear them apologizing about something and watched as Cole’s shoulders relaxed and he nodded his head. </p><p> </p><p>As the adrenaline left her body, her hands began to shake and her legs felt as if they were going to give way.  She gripped the sink for balance. <em> What are we doing? </em>It felt like they were caught in some unspoken dance around what they were feeling. </p><p> </p><p>When Cole was lying on that bed yesterday, close to death, Cassie had been confronted with the new reality that she didn’t want her life to be without him. She loved him. She knew that now. It wasn’t just the mission, it was him. It was confusing and impossible and messy. She had only closed the door on Aaron yesterday. The two of them always felt like a choice between two lives — who she used to be and who she was becoming. And as familiar and safe as Aaron felt, the pull she felt around Cole was beyond reason. It just was. But until today, she never knew when the lights would flicker and he’d be gone. What sense did it make to let him know how she felt if she never knew if she’d see him again? </p><p> </p><p>But now he was here, for good. They suddenly had time. It made it both easier and harder all at once. Cassie reveled in just being with him. It wasn’t just the whiskey that was making her feel lightheaded, she knew that deep down. It was being around <em> him </em>. And yet their situation was still impossible. They were facing either a pandemic in which she would die in a matter of months or time would be reset. And he would be that little boy. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie looked up at the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed. She wanted him. No question. She wanted to walk back out there and do everything she had ever thought about as she laid in bed next to Aaron. She felt a flash of guilt. If she were honest with herself, she had been thinking about that far longer than had been fair to him. </p><p> </p><p><em> But it’s the losing that haunts us. </em>She clenched her hand into a fist. Those were the words she had heard her father say to her grandfather on the day of her mother’s funeral. She had been in the hallway at their home after the service. Cassie has wandered upstairs from the reception to escape the endless pitying looks. She stopped short at the sound of her father sobbing and had peered into the room. Their backs were to her and her grandfather had one arm around her father. Her father was crying, his head in his hands. She had never seen an adult like that before. And while she couldn’t make sense out of everything that he was saying through his grief, she had never forgotten those words.</p><p> </p><p>She stared at herself hard in the mirror. <em> This cannot happen. </em> At best they’d have a few months. What was the point? It would only make this worse. And as it was, her heart was clamoring to launch headfirst into the abyss. And that’s what it would be. Once she started with him, she knew it would never stop. And it would never be enough. A sob ripped through her chest and she hurried to turn on the faucet to mask the sound. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie bent down and splashed some cold water on her face. She breathed in and out until her heart steadied. She was making the right choice no matter how much her heart was breaking. If she felt like this now it would only get worse. And even if there was hope for the world, there was no hope for them. She dried her face &amp; smoothed her hair. Assessing herself in the mirror she figured that there would be zero chance that he wouldn’t notice that she had been crying. But she couldn't hide in there forever. Cassie took a deep breath and steeled herself as she walked back into the room.</p><p> </p><p>Cole clocked her state immediately and looked at her quizzically. Rather than answer the question that she knew he was asking, she avoided his eyes and sat down on the bed. “Everything ok with the hotel?”</p><p> </p><p>He gave her a look. She wasn’t going to avoid the subject for long. “Uh yeah, they came to apologize for the mix up with the bed and offered a complimentary breakfast. Man, the way people just give away food here is amazing.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie forced herself to give his half hearted joke a cursory laugh. It did not escape his notice. Cole took a step closer. “May I?” He gestured toward the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole sat down next to her. She could feel his arm touching her arm; his leg grazing hers. It was comforting and welcome. But also dangerous. Cassie dug her fingers into the mattress bracing herself for what she knew they were about to discuss.</p><p> </p><p>“Cassie, what’s going on?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, it’s just been a long two days. And for the first time in my life, I don’t even have a place to live. And we are taking on those bastards alone and without the benefit of any foresight. It all just hit me at once, I guess. ” <em> Also, I love you and there is no way that we can be together because the world is ending and even if we can stop it, then you will be a ten year old boy. Who I just met. </em></p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry Cassie. I feel like I ruined your life,” his voice broke a little as he confessed that to her, eyes forward. “I <em> did </em> ruin your life.” </p><p> </p><p>His guilt was too much to bear. Cassie reached up and slid her hand along his jaw. His beard was rough under her hand. She drew his face to hers so that she could make sure he really heard her. “Cole, you didn’t ruin my life.<em> I </em> gave you this mission, remember? I gave you that note to find Jones-- the future me or whatever you call it. <em> I </em> chose to meet you at that hotel. And long as there is something that we can do to stop them, this is my fight as much as yours. I spent my whole life studying and fighting diseases. How could I not be in this with you? Despite everything, I am so grateful that you came into my life, Cole.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole absorbed her words silently, his eyes searching hers. He was asking her something that she would not allow herself to give him. “Cassie…” he whispered. His eyes flickered down to her lips. She knew what would happen next if she just leaned in. Cassie pictured how his lips would feel against hers. What it would feel like to taste him, to run her hands through his hair, to pull him down with her onto this bed. To be with him, here and now, while they could be. God she wanted to give in.</p><p> </p><p>“James, I…” She could see the effect that had on Cole; calling him by his given name. It pulled him in even closer. His lips parted. Her other hand slid of its own free will up his chest.</p><p> </p><p>She was struggling to keep her unruly heart in check. Her thoughts were a riot inside her head. Cassandra Railly had never felt more at war with herself then she did in this moment. She closed her eyes and forced herself to say it.</p><p> </p><p> “I think we should get some rest. We have to be in DC in 8 hours.” She dropped her hands to her side. </p><p> </p><p>Her decision was met with a heavy silence. When she opened her eyes again, Cole was staring at the ground. </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” he nodded slowly as if in a daze. “Yeah...you’re right.” He stood up and started to move away from the bed. She instinctively grabbed his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, please don’t sleep on the floor. You’re still recovering.”</p><p> </p><p>“Cassie, really it’s ok and I think it’s better if I--”</p><p> </p><p>“I want you to. Please. I will feel better if you’re close.” The tears threatened again as she looked up at him. This man was everything. She had walked away from her life as she knew it, for him. Even if she couldn’t let herself be what she wanted to him, Cassie still needed him. </p><p> </p><p>Cole nodded his assent. As he did, his eyes were filled with such love that she feared her heart would shatter. There was no disappointment or frustration. It made her love him even more. Then he walked over to the other side of the bed, shut off the lamp, and laid down.  His frame stretched out next to her, facing the ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie looked back at him and their eyes met. She felt an ache in her chest, a yearning to be close to him. In silence, Cassie shifted back and laid her head on his chest. She felt him stiffen for a moment and then his arm pulled her in close. She breathed in his shirt and felt more at peace than she had in months. If only the world could stop and just let them be this. It was exactly where she was supposed to be -- all that she wanted and yet nothing that she could ever have. </p><p> </p><p>They lay there together in silence. As if one word could break the spell of this moment that they had found together. Cassie felt his chest rising and falling under her cheek. She could hear his heartbeat, steady and sure.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he spoke. “Cassie,” he whispered into the darkness, “I hated it too. Leaving you. Every time.” </p><p> </p><p>Her arm encircled his chest and she pulled him in even closer.  A tear slid down her cheek as she held onto James Cole as tightly as she could. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>*****</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 2016</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Cole inhaled sharply as his heart clenched with fear. He dared not speak those questions out loud to Ramse for fear that it would tilt her fate one way or another. He had only known Cassandra Railly a few months and yet her absence felt like a missing limb.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2016</strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m gonna see you soon. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t think so. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Her face always came to him. Every night. </p><p> </p><p>Cole turned over and stared into the blackness. Whenever there was silence, Cassie was there. He both dreaded and craved the void. It was the only way that he could be with her -- in his memories. But the questions on which his whole world seemed to turn quickly followed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Is she alive? Will I ever see her again?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole inhaled sharply as his heart clenched with fear. He dared not speak those questions out loud to Ramse for fear that it would tilt her fate one way or another. He had only known Cassandra Railly a few months and yet her absence felt like a missing limb. </p><p> </p><p>It had been a month since he had said goodbye to her. Four weeks since he had placed her in that chair and sent her on a wing and a prayer to the future. Twenty nine days of not knowing whether Jones saved her...or not. </p><p> </p><p>He was marooned in her time, surrounded by a world poised on a knife’s edge. And where was she? Well if Cassie was alive, she was in hell. Because that’s where he had sent her.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even when you try to save her, you only make her life worse. Always worse. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole sat up. That was the other dark voice. The one he had known since he had sat in the back of her car. <em> You ruined her life. </em> Whether it was sobbing outside that tent in Haiti or bleeding out from a gunshot wound in his arms, all he did was cause her pain. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. <em> So much for sleep.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole stood up and stretched. His fingers grazed the dank, low ceiling above him and he shrank back from the cold moisture. Ramse was snoring lightly. They had lived in these tunnels for a week. How Ramse knew of their existence in Berlin was beyond him. After 28 years, his friend now knew things that Cole could hardly fathom. <em> Twenty eight years of working with them. </em> </p><p> </p><p>While Cole was grateful that Ramse was alive, their renewed partnership was uneasy; patched back together out of a stubborn brotherly love and necessity -- but not reconciliation. Together, they harassed the Army of the 12 Monkeys however they could. They teased and joked. But always, just under the surface, was the painful reality that they had been on opposing sides of the same war decades apart. They didn’t talk about what Ramse had done. They didn’t talk about Sam. Nor Cassie. It was a tenuous peace.</p><p> </p><p>Cole put his shoes on and shrugged into his jacket. He needed some air. They had gone a week without being discovered and clearing the noise in his head was worth the risk. <em> Maybe she would be lucky if they found me anyway. </em> He shook his head at the destructive thought. <em> You can’t save her if you’re dead, asshole.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole climbed the ladder up to the surface and hoisted himself up onto the street. The bitter cold made him gasp as he inhaled. But it felt good in his lungs. </p><p> </p><p>Before him was a stretch of the remains of the Berlin Wall. Ramse had given him a history lesson when they first arrived. He, impossibly, had lived through it coming down. The tunnels underneath had been used to smuggle refugees out of East Germany during — what was it called again? Oh right, “the Cold War.” <em> Whatever that means. </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole considered for a moment the pettiness of a wall built to divide people when the plague would come for all. The people of this world would die the same way no matter what they believed: from the virus or by violence because of it. Yet all they did was waste what little time they had left. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Like you did. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole kicked an empty bottle on the sidewalk as he remembered that last night in the hotel room; the night he had held Cassie in his arms until they drifted off to sleep. He marveled again at the way that she had smiled at him the next morning -- as if he were someone worthy of that. Now it felt surreal; as if it had happened to someone else. </p><p> </p><p>They had been on the cusp of something -- he had felt that. If he had been bolder, braver, he could’ve just leaned in and kissed her. But he had been afraid. And now he would probably never see her again. </p><p> </p><p>In a life littered with regrets, Cole’s cowardice during that final day together was his biggest. He wished that he had told Casie what she meant to him.  How the happiest moment of his life was dancing with her. How the fact that she had fiercely refused to let him die made him feel like his chest was going to cave in. How she made him want to be a better man -- not just by resetting it all -- but every day, in every decision that he made. </p><p> </p><p><em> And that you love her. </em>Ramse’s words to him before it all went to hell were a truth he had known but never dared to say out loud. Because how could he possibly deserve her? She was a brilliant doctor who saved people and he was a piece of shit scav who had murdered countless. How could the man who murdered that couple at the farmhouse possibly deserve a woman like Cassie? </p><p> </p><p>And that was the nub of it. Every night Cole went around and around in an endless circle — stuck between an almost primal longing for this woman who had been the best thing in his life and the constant din in his head saying that she was too good for him. His love for her and his hatred of himself was an open wound that his mind couldn’t help but pick at.</p><p> </p><p>Cole traced his fingers along the remains of the wall. The cement was covered with vibrant graffiti. He wondered at how different the world could be in the face of fear when there was still hope. There was no art in 2043. No hope. If Cassie was alive, then she was living in a wasteland unable to even walk outside. He thought of how scared she looked in the chair. As he held her face in his hands, Cole had never felt more acutely aware of what she meant to him. He had tried to be brave in the face of her uncertainty -- to give Cassie courage that he didn’t himself feel as he steeled his nerves to send her away. </p><p> </p><p>But that choice also didn’t add up with what else he knew. His head hurt as he tried to make sense of the timeline. If Cassie did die in 2043 how could he still be here? She had not yet sent him that message. And was this really all that he had been meant to do? Flee from hideout to hideout and harass the Army from afar? Quickly, a darker set of memories flooded Cole’s mind reminding him of something else that had not yet happened.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A lot has happened since then, between you and me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>And then he was back in that room. Lying next to her body was the worst moment of his life. Cole had never felt so empty. He never could have imagined the hole inside of his heart when he had first been in that room with her remains in 2043. If Jones had not splintered him back at that moment, he honestly wondered what he would have done.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie’s cryptic words haunted him. The only other time she had been so vague was before Chechnya when she was hiding something. Was it simply her delirium? Did she mean that night in the hotel? Their confrontation over Ramse? Aaron? Cole shuddered. No matter how much he hated Aaron for what his betrayal did to his father, his death was horrific. And Cassie had utterly shut down when he tried to talk to her about it. If she was alive, did she hate him for that? He couldn’t bear it even if he deserved her scorn. </p><p> </p><p>Cole forced his mind to think about their embrace. It was a mystery his heart needed solved. There was something about the way that she had held on to him -- looked at him -- that he couldn’t shake. It was intimate and yet familiar; desperate but resigned. The way she had looked at him was different too — even from the morning they had shared together. It was <em> more </em> somehow.If anyone asked him to put it into words he would sound crazy. He stopped walking and leaned against the wall.</p><p> </p><p>Deep down, Cole knew why he held onto that. Because it gave him hope: that she was alive; that he would see her again; that they would be all that he yearned for to one another. Even if he knew the chances were slim. Even if he knew that wanting her in his life was selfish. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Cole heard laughter. He turned his head toward the sound, on alert. There was a man and a woman, clearly tipsy, walking together along the tree lined path ahead of him. They were smiling and touching each other as they collapsed on a park bench together. Cole watched them for a few moments, spellbound. The man was playing with a strand of the woman’s hair. She was touching his face. He said something and her laughter rang out into the cold, silent night. Then the woman leaned in and kissed him. </p><p> </p><p>Cole looked away. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted <em> that. </em>A moment where whatever was coming didn’t matter. When he could just be with Cassie and feel what it would be like to put his hands in her hair and pull her close; to tell her with his lips what words could not convey; to —</p><p> </p><p><em> Enough. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Men like him didn’t deserve moments like that. At least not yet. Cole turned around and began the lonely walk back to the tunnel. </p><p> </p><p>After he uncovered the entrance, Cole got down on his knees. He didn’t know what he believed in beyond the mission, but there was a clamor in his heart to mark his resolve in some way — to steel himself against the staggering doubt the ocean of time between them had wrought. It wasn’t a prayer but a promise. </p><p> </p><p>Tomorrow he would wake up and fight and scrape and struggle against the enemy that he could not see. And then he would get up the next day and do it all over again — until he was dead or he gave Cassie back the world that she deserved. Somewhere safe. Where she could be a doctor again. Where she could show her face in the sun and not look over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>And he would be better. He would try to be a good man  -- the kind of man that she taught him to be. </p><p> </p><p>Cole vowed to himself and to whatever else was listening that he would do all of this, come what may. </p><p> </p><p>For her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 2043</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"It will take months to rebuild. Maybe a year."</p><p>Jones’ words rang in her head as Cassie closed the heavy metal door behind her and slid to the floor. </p><p>She was stuck here. </p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <b>2043</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It will take months to rebuild. Maybe a year. </em>
</p><p>Jones’ words rang in her head as Cassie closed the heavy metal door behind her and slid to the floor. </p><p>She was stuck here. </p><p>Her world was dead. The plague was still out there. And murder and explosions had violently welcomed her to this hellscape while no one else even blinked an eye. </p><p>She looked down at her hands. There was still blood under her fingernails. Was it her own? Or the blood of the man she had killed? <em> I killed him. I slid that knife in his throat and watched the life just go out of him. </em></p><p>A sob ripped through her chest. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. Hot tears came spilling out and Cassie felt like she couldn’t breathe. <em> What am I going to do?</em></p><p>Cassie surrendered to her grief as sobs wracked her body in waves. She had tried so hard to keep this at bay — when Aaron died, in that chair bleeding out, and when she said goodbye to Cole.<em>I may never see him again.  </em></p><p>Pain seared through her chest. The machine was half destroyed. His tether was gone. And Jones said there was no sign of Cole in the historical record. Even if Jones did get the machine working again — and from the looks of it that was a big if —how could they ever find him? </p><p>But then anger surged up within her. <em>Damn him. If he had just done what needed to be done I wouldn’t even be here. </em></p><p>Cassie pounded a fist against the cold, cement floor. How could he? After they had tortured Aaron who, misguided as he was, had only tried to protect her? After Cole had dragged her away from that fire saying he had made his choice? Well, what about Ramse and his choices? <em> Aaron burned to death. </em> The images of him reaching out for help assaulted her mind and she gasped for breath. No matter what Aaron had done, he didn’t deserve <em> that</em>. This mess had pulled him under too. Cassie remembered the way Aaron had looked at her — pleaded with her —while tied to that chair. She felt like she might throw up. </p><p>She had given up her career, her reputation, her relationships, and almost her life. Now she had lost her entire world. How could Cole have refused to act? He had killed Henri for far less. Hell, he shot Leland Goines without flinching. Even if Ramse wasn’t the witness as he claimed, he still had financed their enemy for decades. And yet when it came down to it, she was the only one willing to take him out. Cole chose Ramse. <em> And I chose Cole over everything else. </em></p><p>Cassie leaned her head back and exhaled slowly. Her abdomen was aching. The only person she knew in this hellhole was Jones — who was decades older to Cassie than she was a week ago. Whitley seemed trustworthy; Adler kind. She didn’t know what to make of Deacon. And where did those <em> messengers </em>go? God only knew what havoc they would wreak on her world and they were powerless to do anything about it. Jones said the mission would continue. But what the hell was the mission now?</p><p>Cassie tried to wipe away the tears on her face with her hands. She looked around the room Jones had given her. Everything was grey and made of metal here. Cole had told her about Raritan. But her imagination never could have matched the dark and depressing reality of this bunker. </p><p>She forced herself to her feet, clutching at her side as she rose. Cassie began to walk around the room. There was a cot, a metal dresser, and a makeshift table with a chair. <em> I guess this is home now. Not that I even have a home to go back to anymore. </em></p><p>Cassie lifted her shirt up and peeled back the bandage on her stomach. She grimaced at the stitching. Jones may be a genius but a surgeon she most certainly was not. She pressed around the wound — it was cool to the touch and the coloration was normal. <em> I am so lucky. </em>Cassie owed Jones her life. No matter how impenetrable she seemed, Katarina always came through. That was at least something in this wasteland. </p><p>Cassie walked over to the dresser and pulled open a drawer. She had been wearing the same shirt for days. It was caked with blood and sweat. The first drawer rattled with spare wiring and scraps of electronics. The next drawer was empty except for some pieces of paper and a few crudely sharpened pencils rolling around. One scrap immediately caught her eye: “1980, Syracuse, New York.” <em> Wait, that’s where and when I was born. </em></p><p>Cassie pulled the paper out of the pile. It was covered with notes in scrawled writing. Then a realization dawned on her. <em> This is Cole’s handwriting. </em> Cassie gasped and looked frantically around her. <em> This is Cole’s room. Katarina gave me his room. </em>She felt a tingle go down her spine. He had been right here only days ago. </p><p>It made sense, of course. James Cole had no use for this room anymore. The truth of that realization felt like a kick in the stomach. She looked around at the sparse surroundings with a new eye. Cole truly had nothing. She had always listened to his descriptions of what the future was like but it was abstract — hard to imagine fully. No longer. His childlike wonder at her world -- at its music, art, food -- pinched her heart in a new way. <em> This is what he came from and what he always came back to. </em> She thought of Cole as that fatherless little boy facing all of this alone and her anger began to give way.</p><p>Cassie squinted to make out Cole’s notes: “Speech to American Association of Public Health…Johns Hopkins …. Baltimore….2013….Jeep Grand Cherokee… silver ...Maryland plates 7HG W81....” <em> The night we met. </em></p><p>She touched the words that he had scratched out. They seemed so strange in this context. Simple facts describing the most cataclysmic event of her life. And yet she was filled with awe as she traced what he had written before it had happened for either of them. As angry as she was at him, Cassie knew deep down that she wouldn’t trade all that had happened since for never having known him. <em> But even if you find him again and win, that’s exactly what will be. You’ll never know him. </em></p><p>She sighed and put her palms flat on the dresser. Cassie wished she could just make her mind stop. Her emotions stop. Everything <em> stop. </em> </p><p>She looked down at the drawer and rifled through the other pieces of paper. They were just Cole’s notes about directions and Markridge. She was about to close the drawer when a newspaper clipping caught her eye. It was separated from the rest; slipped slightly under the corner where the edges met as if on purpose. She reached in and gingerly pulled it out. It was a photograph of ...herself. She was standing at a podium at a press conference. The CDC backdrop was behind her. Only she had never been there. The newspaper was dated November 2016.</p><p>Cassie looked at her future self. A strange feeling of deja vu washed over her. She felt dizzy as the tall grass flashed through her mind. It was quickly followed by the blood, the rain, and then the house. She held onto the dresser as her legs swayed a bit. </p><p>
  <em>Breathe in, breathe out. </em>
</p><p>She did what she always did to clear her head: she focused on her breathing and thought of Cole. The feeling of her hand in his, the way he had looked at her that night in the hotel room, the love she saw in his eyes the next morning. She let out a shaky breath as her head cleared. <em> Damn that woman and her tea. </em> On top of everything else, Cassie felt like her mind was not always her own. </p><p>Her eyes focused once again on the photograph. Why was this tucked away ...here? There was a board with every relevant piece of evidence in the main meeting room. Jones had walked her through every carefully catalogued document. There had even been many photographs of Cassie contending with the pandemic on behalf of the CDC for all to see. When Cassie had asked if she could review some materials in her room, Jones had told her firmly that all records were to remain there.</p><p>Cole had<em> taken </em> this from that room. Logic was at war with her heart. Cassie tried to rationalize her way from facing the obvious. Maybe he just kept the photograph to remind himself of his target before the mission began. But that had been months ago, even for him. No. Cassie knew better. On some level, she had always known. </p><p>
  <em>Cole kept this photograph of me -- for him. </em>
</p><p>Her heart surged. She looked around the room, imagining Cole in her place. This is where Cole had come back to after every time he left her. Had he thought about her at night the way she did him? Is that why he kept her photograph hidden away in a drawer? Cassie pulled the next drawer open, as if determined to uncover more secrets. </p><p>She stopped short and her fingers hovered over a new discovery. Cassie knew immediately that it was his sweatshirt. She seized it and held it up to her face, inhaling deeply. <em> Cole. </em> Memories of being close to him flooded her senses all at once. The tingle of anticipation when she placed his hands on her hips and pulled her close. When she had held him as he mourned his father after the explosion. His face inches from hers in the hotel room. Tears pricked once again. </p><p>Cassie lifted her arms stiffly, pushing through the pain, and pulled her shirt off. Then she slid into his sweatshirt. Was it wallowing in romanticism to wear his sweatshirt? Of course. But she didn’t care. Here in this room alone she would allow herself this one indulgence. She picked up the photograph and carried it like a treasure across to the cot.</p><p>As she sank down onto the thin mattress, Cassie felt an ache in her chest. In this moment, she felt only longing as she looked around this place where he had once been. Was this really the end of them? Cole had sworn to her that it wasn’t. Her stomach fluttered as she remembered the way he had looked at her as they said goodbye. It had all gone to hell and yet for that one moment nothing else mattered but him. Cole had made her feel like her life was the most important thing in the world to him. He may have chosen Ramse but that moment was real too — the way he held her face in his hands; the way he had said “I’m going to see you soon” as if he could will it. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair. </p><p>
  <em> How am I going to do this without him? I don’t want to do this without him.</em>
</p><p>Cassie thought about how she had prepared for this moment. Every wall she put up; every opportunity to be close to him that she let pass by. It had all been so that she would have the strength to face when Cole was gone. But none of that mattered now. Everything felt empty without him. </p><p>What a fool she had been just days ago. Cassie thought back to that hotel room when she had been so close to giving into her feelings. How had she fooled herself into thinking that she had control over any of this? No matter how much she needed his presence in her life, it was something on which she simply could not depend. </p><p>But she was the one who went away this time. She looked down at this photo. But do I get back there somehow? Or did we change things? If I can just get back there again, maybe he will find me before 2017? Maybe then …. </p><p><em>Stop.</em> <em>Time is just not on your side.</em></p><p>She laid back on the bed and exhaustion washed over her. Cassie held the photograph up and looked at herself. That woman looked confident and in control. She looked like a leader. Then why did she feel so lost? It wasn’t just being in the future or the trauma of the last few days. Cassie felt like she was missing a part of herself with Cole gone. She was on her own now. </p><p>Then her eye caught letters peeking through the other side of the clipping. What little light there was revealed more of Cole’s handwriting on the back. She turned it over and read: “We fight, we learn. We learn, we live.” Each word was underlined twice. She touched the letters with her fingertips. Cole had written those words presumably to himself. Now, without intending it, they were his message to her. There was wisdom in those words. That is all that she could do. That is all any of them could do. </p><p>Cassie turned onto her good side and leaned the paper against the wall next to her face. She stared at Cole’s handwriting until the letters started to swim before her. She had to fight. She had to learn to survive in this place. To struggle through the pain. Seven billion lives were on the line and she had sacrificed too much to give up now. </p><p>Maybe being here was the final sign of what she had begun to understand over the last few days: she was no longer the Cassandra Railly who was horrified by the cost of this war in the night room. She had sought out Aaron. She shot Ramse. When Deacon handed her that knife, she had done what she had to do. And that is what it would take to fight the Army of the12 Monkeys. </p><p>Cassie drew her knees to her chest and buried her face into the hood of the sweatshirt. More tears came. She mourned the woman who she had been—a doctor who saved lives rather than took them. She mourned the death of her world. And she mourned James Cole, lost to her across an ocean of time. Perhaps forever. </p><p>Then Katarina’s words pierced through her grief. </p><p>
  <em> Grieving over who we were only gets in the way of who we need to become.</em>
</p><p>Tonight, Cassie would grieve. Tomorrow she would become who she needed to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The words "We fight, we learn. We learn, we live" come from episode 4.02. Cassie watched Cole repeat those words to himself by heart while watching Cassie's CDC interviews in 4.02 before the mission began. Another ouroboros in honor of "Ouroboros."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 1944: Cole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Cole had been in 1944 for three days. Seventy two hours of waiting on pins and needles. For her.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>1944</b>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Everyone and everything changes, Cole. </em>Her sharp words pervaded his thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>Well at least he and Cassie could agree on that. Cole looked at the clock above him. It was 10:04 pm. Another day and another night with no sign of Cassie. <em>Hours apart my ass, Jones.</em><br/><br/></p><p>He sighed and leaned back, taking stock of his surroundings. The Emerson Hotel sure did look different in 1944. <em> A long way from you break it, you buy it.  </em>People in glamorous outfits were talking together in corners enveloped by furs and cigarette smoke. A bellman offered someone a phone on a silver tray. Cole was drawn in by The Emerson’s comfort and order. Even a world at war looked a lot better than where he came from. </p><p> </p><p>Cole had been in 1944 for three days. Seventy two hours of waiting on pins and needles. For <em> her.</em> </p><p> </p><p>He had forced himself to focus on planning; procuring clothing and supplies, scouting Columbia University. He arranged to lease the room that he already knew belonged to them. Anything to prove that he wasn’t the hapless idiot Cassie apparently now thought he was. </p><p> </p><p>He grimaced and remembered the look on Cassie’s face when she had appeared in room 607 to retrieve him; unwilling and sullen. Like the last thing she wanted on earth was to be there, bringing him back. Nothing since had disabused him of that impression. It stung like hell. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I need a drink. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole took one last look around the lobby and wearily  pulled himself to his feet. He headed directly to the bar.</p><p> </p><p>An empty stool at the end of the bar beckoned and Cole sat down. As people talked and laughed around him, Cole considered his situation. He had returned to his former home after months of being stranded only to be ridiculed and questioned. <em> Deacon </em> was somehow apparently in charge. Ramse was in a cage. Jones had lied about knowing him all along. And Cassie made her feelings abundantly clear about having to join him on this mission. No matter where he was, Cole was surrounded by people and yet felt utterly alone. </p><p> </p><p>He reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out the photograph. It had become a ritual ever since he found it here sixty years from now; a lodestar in this time of hurt and confusion. For it was proof that someday, perhaps soon, they would at least smile in each other’s company again. He looked down at Cassie. <em> God she looks beautiful. </em>He felt his heart pinch. </p><p> </p><p>Cole was so grateful that she was alive and to have found her again. And yet he had barely had a moment to rejoice that Cassie was back in his life. Conflict and mistrust seem to poison their every conversation. Cole absorbed each one of her barbs like a punch in the stomach. Half the time he couldn’t even think of a response until hours later. </p><p> </p><p>But here in this photo — in this time —she looked happy to be with <em> him. </em> She was smiling. Cole hadn’t seen her do that since 2015. It had to mean <em> something.</em> He needed it to, desperately. Maybe if he could just have time to talk to her away from Raritan, away from the mission, and away from —-</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Deacon. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cole’s mouth filled with bile. The memory of Cassie and Deacon talking closely together before they splintered was seared in his mind. He shuddered at the way Deacon had said she had “talent.” Cole squeezed his eyes shut trying to block out where his thoughts inevitably went next - Cassie kissing Deacon; his hands on her body. He wanted to punch the wall. <em> How the hell did that happen? Does she love...him? </em></p><p> </p><p>“Here you go, son.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked up. The bartender pushed a drink in front of him, smiling sympathetically. “Looks like you could use one. On the house.” He had a kind face; lined and weary but open. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Cole looked down at the frothy amber drink and gratefully took a swig. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, that’s delicious! What is that?”</p><p> </p><p>The bartender looked at him quizzically before answering. “It’s a whiskey sour,” he responded slowly.  “Don’t they have those where you’re from?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, they sure don’t. Thanks again. You’re right. I did need that.”</p><p> </p><p>“What’s the trouble, son?” He gestured toward the photograph. “Thinking of better days?”</p><p> </p><p>A hollow laugh escaped from Cole’s lips. “Something like that.” Cole swirled the liquid in the glass around and around, avoiding the bartender’s gaze. He took the hint and walked toward another customer.  </p><p> </p><p>Cole looked down once again at this future Cassie. Her words rang in his head. <em> What I am is because of me.  </em></p><p>She had looked so fierce while making that claim he had dared not argue. But it seemed to him something that was both true and untrue at the same time. Cole knew that she believed that. He didn’t doubt that Cassie made her own choices — that’s why he admired her so much. </p><p> </p><p>And yet there was no question that Cassie had changed because of what they had gone through together— and maybe more so because of what she had gone through without him for eight months. 2044 had changed her just as 2015 had changed him. She made him better. And he? Well. None of this would’ve ever happened to her were it not for him. </p><p> </p><p>And what had she become? Cole was shaken to his core over New York. He could not reconcile the Cassie that he knew with the Cassie who had held a gun on Jennifer and him. Her cold calculation of insisting that they <em> kill </em> Ramse and Jennifer even after they had helped destroy the virus was beyond the pale. How could she have even suggested it? He would never forget the way Cassie looked at him when she said he was letting his emotions get in the way. <em> He was? </em> Saving Ramse and Jennifer were the only two choices that had changed a damn thing in this whole mess. Now <em> Cassie </em> wanted to just go around killing people while quoting Deacon? <em> What the hell.  </em></p><p> </p><p>What happened to the Cassie who had told him she just wanted to heal people in the night room? The one who helped him to see that killing wasn’t always the answer? He had tried to grow into a man worthy of her.</p><p>But now she accused him of being weak and seemed to want nothing to do with him. It was a damn nightmare. </p><p> </p><p>Cole finished his drink and signaled to the bartender for another. He didn’t know what to feel or believe about Cassie. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking about her. The only way to make it stop was to be numb. </p><p> </p><p>The bartender obliged him and Cole chased the bottom of the glass. But it seemed to have the opposite effect. He could not shut it off. </p><p> </p><p>Cole remembered seeing her on that rooftop for the first time. He had never been so happy. For a moment he thought that she felt the same way. Surely this photograph meant that they could be ….close, again? Maybe the three months they would have here could be a chance to break through the walls she had built around herself. But then darker thoughts creeped in. <em> She’s with Deacon now. Quoting him, confiding in him in the hallways. Not you. She didn’t even want to go on this mission with you. </em></p><p> </p><p>He ran his hands through his hair. How did they get here? How did they go from that hotel room to Cassie seething with resentment at him? Basically calling him inept in front of Jones and the whole team? Why couldn’t she understand that every choice he made was for the mission too? </p><p> </p><p>He drained the glass.</p><p> </p><p>Cole called out, “Another, please.”</p><p> </p><p>The bartender looked at him pointedly. <em> Man I must really look pathetic. </em></p><p> </p><p>“It’s last call. Make it a double?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.” <em> Why not. </em></p><p> </p><p>The bartender slid a third glass over to him. “You’re one of our new long term guests, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, the name’s Cole. I’m in 607.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bill. I’m here most nights. Nice to meet you.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole nodded and they sat in silence for a while as the bar slowly emptied.</p><p> </p><p>“You just back from Europe or the Pacific?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole paused a moment. “Europe.”</p><p> </p><p>“I figured it was one of the two from that look on your face. Well thank you for your service, young man.” Cole nodded, feeling his way through the delicate line between fact and fiction. </p><p> </p><p>Bill studied him for a moment and then squared his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mean to pry but you look like you could use someone to talk to.” Cole’s head felt fuzzy and he frankly did need someone to talk to. <em> Fuck it. </em>He leaned forward and placed his folded arms on the bar in acquiescence.</p><p> </p><p>“Let me guess. You came home and things with that pretty lady right there aren’t quite what they used to be.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Well he’s not wrong. </em>Cole laughed bitterly. “Yeah, you could say that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes that’s just the way it is at first. It was for me when I came home from France a long time ago. When you’ve been through something like that, it changes you. I know I don’t need to tell you that.” Bill looked past Cole for a moment and then cleared his throat. “I see it here at this bar every day.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but it isn’t just me. She’s changed too.” Cole’s words hung there for a moment as the older man considered them. </p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes that’s the way of it. You don’t know what she went through when you were gone. Being left behind has its own way of gnawing at people.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Tell me about it. </em>Another gulp of whiskey. The man looked at him thoughtfully and leaned forward. He put his hand on Cole’s arm. </p><p> </p><p>“Let an old man give you some advice. All you can do is tell her how you feel and be there if she’s ever ready. Don’t make the same mistake I did and let the moment pass you by — don’t let pride get in the way. I spent a year in a trench dreaming of my girl. Then I came home and everything was different. I let that stop me. What I should’ve done is remembered what mattered to me in that trench. Better to try than live a lifetime of regret.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole shook his head slowly. “Sometimes it’s not that simple.</p><p> </p><p>“Son, it’s always that simple. We just make it hard.” </p><p> </p><p>The old man tapped the bar with his knuckles. “If you get the chance, promise me you’ll take it. If you say yes, tonight’s rounds are <em> all </em> on me.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole smiled despite himself. “You got yourself a deal.”</p><p> </p><p>Bill nodded approvingly and then looked at the clock. “Well, almost time for me to close up. How about you stay and finish your drink while I finish up?” </p><p> </p><p>The bartender walked over to the phonograph and put on a new record. Cole watched the needle drop as the record slowly began to turn around and around. He was mesmerized by the circular motion. That’s how he felt — constantly going around in circles. Jones claimed that they had a made a difference by burning the virus. But what if they had just moved the needle to a different place on the same old record? Cole took a long drink of whisky. His head was getting thick but he didn’t care. </p><p> </p><p>The sound of strings then filled the now empty bar. A deep voice soon followed. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That this heart of mine embraces all day through” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A lump formed in Cole’s throat. He looked at the photograph — a now familiar image of Cassie in a place they had not yet been. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day </em>
</p><p>
  <em> In everything that's light and gay </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'll always think of you that way </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That was the problem. When they were separated, Cole saw Cassie everywhere. But when they were together all that he could see was how she had changed. </p><p> </p><p>Tears pricked. He remembered the Cassie that was warm and open; who touched his face when he lost his father; who held his hand as he watched his younger self meet his brother for the first time. What happened to the Cassie who had looked at him with such love that morning in the hotel?</p><p> </p><p>Cole stared at the photograph again. Maybe she was still in there. He had to believe that she was. And that they would find a new balance even if … even if she was with Deacon now. Cole felt like his chest was going to cleave in two. </p><p> </p><p>He took another deep breath and nodded to himself. Well, fine. He could still fix this for her. That’s all that mattered anyway: Cassie having a safe place to go back to and live her life.</p><p> </p><p>Cole drained his drink as the deep voice finished his mournful song. Then he carefully put the photograph back inside breast pocket of his jacket. As he got up, Cole had to steady himself on the bar. <em> I’m a mess </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Bill. I’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing a lot of you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Lookin’ forward to it.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole tipped his head in farewell and walked through the now empty lobby. The clock said quarter after midnight. Yet Cole knew that there was little chance of sleep. And so he walked outside instead. His head cleared a bit as he breathed in the cool night air. </p><p> </p><p>The old man was right. After all those months of wondering if Cassie was alive— regretting what he hadn’t told her— he couldn’t give up now. What was the point if he just tucked his tail between his legs? He may not be the man that Cassie deserved but he sure as hell knew Deacon wasn’t either. </p><p> </p><p>He would show her that he could be trusted. He would be her partner in this cause. They had begun it together and they would finish it together. And, if the chance ever came, he would take it. Now was all that they would ever have. And Cole would rather have that with her than a lifetime of anything else. </p><p> </p><p>Cole looked up at the moon and exhaled slowly. <em> I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you</em>. He had that song stuck in his head. The words now struck him in a new way. Cassie could be just around the corner. A shiver of excitement went up his spine. </p><p> </p><p>Cole placed his new hat on his head and started walking down 43rd Street. He didn’t know where he was going but he knew what he needed to do. </p><p> </p><p>For now that would have to be enough. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The song playing on the record player is Bing Crosby’s version of “I’ll Be Seeing You,” which was released in 1944. It was the #3 song on the U.S. charts that year. You can listen to it here:<br/>https://youtu.be/1ld7pkvZPQk</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 1944: Cassie</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Now you and me, together, can stop them. So what do you want to do?"</p><p>The way that Cole was looking at her — his eyes full of pain and regret —threatened to undo her.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <b>1944: Cassie </b>
</p><p><br/><br/>“Now you and me, together, can stop them. So what do you want to do?”</p><p> </p><p>The way that Cole was looking at her — his eyes full of pain and regret —threatened to undo her. Cassie focused on breathing in and breathing out as she blinked back tears. Then she made her decision and steeled herself to meet his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“Alright. We’ll go after Tommy.” She paused. “Together.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole’s relief was so obvious that her regret only intensified. Cassie had pushed until she got a reaction from him. Anything to make him feel the pain that she had been carrying since they crashed back together; when he had yet again sided with someone else. But the instant that she said Aaron was protecting her from him, she had regretted it. Of course Cole wasn’t the person she needed protection from. But she knew it would hurt and that is exactly why she had said it. And now Cassie hated herself for it. </p><p> </p><p>She wanted to reach out. To salve the wound that she had just opened. </p><p> </p><p> “Cole, I —-“</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes locked. Cole‘s face was instantly hopeful; his eyes soft and open. Her heart clenched. Cassie could hear the second hand ticking on her watch as she felt that familiar invisible pull between them. </p><p> </p><p>Then Cole took a step towards her. His hair fell in his eyes and she had to fight the instinct to reach out and push it back. Like she used to. </p><p> </p><p><em> There is no time for this. </em>She closed her eyes for a moment as she prepared to heed her inner voice. Cassie couldn’t bridge the gap. That would mean letting him in. And if she let him in, emotion would compromise her judgment; as it had already done so with Cole. And the world could not afford that. </p><p> </p><p>“We better get changed.” </p><p> </p><p>Cassie watched his face as he absorbed her abrupt shift. His struggle to hide his confusion only deepened the conflict within her. She dug her fingers into her palms to ground herself against the swirling emotions within.</p><p> </p><p>“Right.” He nodded slowly. “I’ll figure out exactly where Mission Cross is and whether we can get in during their visiting hours.” </p><p> </p><p>They stood there for a moment, as if both conscious that a moment had slipped away. And Cassie needed it to. She didn’t know if she had the strength to shut Cole out if he kept looking at her like that. And so she turned and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. </p><p> </p><p>Once she was alone, Cassie leaned against the door for support. She heard Cole sigh and the sound of him pouring more whiskey into his glass. She imagined him running his hands through his hair in frustration. Tears pricked once again. <em> Damn Jones for sending me on this mission with him.  </em></p><p> </p><p>It had been so long since she had felt anything. Whether it was scavs or messengers, feelings only got you killed. And so, surrounded by the ruins of her world, Cassie had focused on the mission. That’s all that mattered. It was the only thing that would erase all the lives she had taken instead of saved. She would do whatever it took to fix it and then this would all be over. That’s what Cassandra Railly told herself every night when she tried to wrest sleep from the ghosts of seven billion dead. </p><p> </p><p>But the man on the other side of this door made it impossible <em> not </em> to feel. Cassie clenched her fists. Yet her hands trembled and her eyes blurred with tears. She felt a sob rising up in her chest. <em> He cannot hear me.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cassie swiftly closed the gap between her and the bed. She grabbed the pillow and muffled a ragged cry. But once it tore through her chest she knew it wouldn’t stop. And so she gave into it. Since that moment on the rooftop, Cassie had been using anger as a shield against that pull between them. But the argument had broken her open. <em> Damn him.  </em></p><p> </p><p>As the sobs wracked her body, images flooded Cassie’s mind: Cole pointing a gun at her on that rooftop; the way he had looked at her when she walked out in that red dress; the devastation on his face when she had brought up Aaron. Every moment with him was a relentless and contrary assault of emotions: anger, longing, resentment...and love. It all poured out of her now as she listened to Cole’s low voice speaking to the operator on the other side of the door. He was right there and yet had never felt so far away. </p><p> </p><p>Gradually, the sobs subsided and Cassie laid back on the bed, exhausted. She thought back over their argument. Cassie had promised herself that she would avoid anything other than discussing the mission with Cole. He kept trying to pick back up like it was just the two of them in 2015. But since they were last together, she had seen with her own eyes the price of their continued failure. She had been forced to choose between her own life and killing over and over again. </p><p> </p><p>Clearly, Cole had forgotten what was at stake. He had been away from the consequences of the plague for too long — running around with the man who betrayed them and then living the high life here in a posh hotel. The Cole who had told her it was easy to take one life for 7 billion in the back seat of that police car was now preaching to her about saving <em> Jennifer</em>? That mad woman flying all over the world with a stockpile of the virus and dangling the fate of billions in the air like it was nothing? And when <em> everything </em> was on the line —when Ramse stood before them admitting he had aided their enemies all along — Cole chose <em> him</em>. Over everyone. Over her. </p><p> </p><p>She had given up everything to fight alongside Cole. And now he was aligned with people like Ramse and Jennifer. People who, by their own admission, had worked <em> with </em> the Army. Ramse had chosen to facilitate the murder of <em> 7 billion people </em> because of a boy he barely knew. And Jennifer had stood poised to drop the virus on New York City because <em> why exactly</em>? Because she hated her father? Because of a whim? Yet Aaron was dead just because he wanted to save her. </p><p> </p><p>What the hell had happened to Cole that he had become so myopically focused on saving those whom he pitied in the moment rather than the billions of innocent people who were their victims? Decades from now, <em> she </em> would be one of those victims. How could he possibly not see what needed to be done? How could he have turned a gun on her rather than be by her side?</p><p> </p><p>And yet, when Cole had told her <em> saving </em> people was the only thing that had ever made a difference, his conviction had made chills run up her spine. She wanted to believe that — to believe in <em> him</em>. But while there was still a part of her drawn to his hopeful outlook, Cassie had lived with the cost of their repeated failure for eight months. She was haunted by the image of Aaron’s face engulfed in flames. And so she couldn’t help but rage at his hypocrisy. Lives were apparently worth saving only when they mattered to James Cole. </p><p> </p><p>And so, she had wounded him in the one place she knew that she still could. Yet when he had spoken his shame out loud, Cassie wanted to rush to him in an instant. And that scared the hell out of her. Alone in this room, Cassie was left with the hard truth that still loved James Cole. No matter how much she tried to ignore him, she was always aware of where he was in the room. And regardless of her anger, Cassie’s heart was always in her throat when he was near. And <em> that </em> — that loss of focus —was going to get them killed. So yes, she had torn that photograph in two. Because otherwise she would end up just like him: compromised. And she and Jones were the only ones standing between the world and this plague.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie turned on her side and stared at the tuxedo jacket hung carefully on the back of the chair. Gone was the Cole who inhaled cheeseburgers in her car in a hoodie; who reached out to touch art like a child in the middle of a museum. <em> This </em> Cole navigated the lobby of The Emerson like he owned the place. He had offered her his arm as if walking into a gala was second nature. Cassie closed her eyes as she remembered the thrill that had coursed through as he confidently drew her close. She couldn’t help but want to unravel what else was different about him...and what was the same. <em> Yeah well so do other people, apparently. Jennifer. And that woman on which he so graciously bestowed Jones’ necklace.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cassie grimaced and cursed silently. <em> Alright Railly, get your shit together.  </em></p><p> </p><p>She forced herself to her feet and began to unbutton her dress. As she slid the straps over her shoulders, she heard Cole walk across the other room. Her fingers froze and she could hear the sound of her own breathing. The sudden intimacy of undressing with him on the other side of the door took her aback. Cassie closed her eyes and listened to him moving around the room, holding the dress to her chest. She heard him sigh as his shoes dropped to the floor. The sound of him unhooking his suspenders followed; then a belt snapped as it exited its loops. It was mesmerizing.</p><p> </p><p><em> Stop it. </em>She had indulged this long enough.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie abruptly yanked the dress off and walked over to the wardrobe. Inside was a blue pantsuit and a white blouse. Cassie marveled at the tailoring as her fingers traced the outline of the jacket. As she dressed, she shook her head at the madness of playing dress up from the past while chasing people from the future. </p><p> </p><p>When she had finished, Cassie walked over to the mirror. She took stock of herself as she pinned her hair. She was pale. Her eyes were red and swollen. <em>He’ll know.</em> <em>But it doesn’t matter. We win this war and it all resets anyway.</em> Cassie buttoned her jacket as if assuming armor and strode out of the bedroom to face him.  </p><p> </p><p>Cole was on the phone, casually leaning on the desk in a tweed suit. Apparently, James Cole had become a sartorial connoisseur in his time here as well. It was enough to make her want to roll her eyes. Instead, they involuntarily followed the cut of his jacket and trousers. 1944 looked good on James Cole and it was annoying as hell.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you very much. We’ll be down in a few moments.” Cole turned and his brow furrowed as soon as he saw her. His eyes questioned her silently.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you find Mission Cross?” Her voice was cold and calm; the opposite of what she felt. </p><p> </p><p>Cole eyed her for a moment. And then, “Yeah, we’ve got an hour before visiting is over. I already called us a cab downstairs.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good.” She moved past him without making eye contact. He stepped back to give her space. Cassie was close enough to breathe in his cologne. It was crisp and elegant. But it didn’t smell like the Cole she remembered. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie picked up her pistol and drew strength from the ritual of confirming that it was fully loaded. Without looking up, she asked, “I assume you are ready to go with yours?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.” Cole’s voice was quiet and guarded.</p><p> </p><p>“Try to aim at them and not me this time.” </p><p> </p><p>And then she walked out of 607.</p><p>
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</p><p>Cassie watched the streets of New York City pass by as the cab wound its way toward the Holland Tunnel. She knew her history. But movies had a way of seeping into her imagination as well. And as Cassie watched the past unfold in front of her eyes, it was a sharp contrast to the romance of the black and white films she and her grandfather had watched together.</p><p> </p><p>The streets were filled with people that were decidedly ordinary — not the glamorous figures of <em> Casablanca </em> and <em> From Here to Eternity</em>. They were people in a hurry, some clutching a newspaper and others dragging harried children behind them. Some were laughing in conversation and others appeared lost in thought. But regardless, they were all dead to Cassie <em> now. </em> She shook her head and laughed softly at the absurdity of what “now” even meant. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s funny?” </p><p> </p><p>Cassie turned and met Cole’s curious gaze. They had sat in silence since the cab pulled away from The Emerson. Cassie had taken refuge from Cole by determinedly looking out the window. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh just — It’s surreal being here in this…,” she paused and glanced at the back of the cab driver’s head. “In this <em> place. </em>It’s all so ordinary despite what’s going on in the world. There’s a war going on and all these people are wrapped up in their own problems.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know much history but that’s people, I guess. No matter where you are.”</p><p> </p><p>“My grandfather used to let me stay up late after my grandmother went to bed. It was our secret.” She stopped. Why was she telling Cole this?</p><p> </p><p>Cole leaned toward her, listening intently. She couldn’t help but go on. </p><p> </p><p>She whispered, “We would watch old movies about…<em> this</em>. They were all so glamorous to me. As a girl, I used to imagine myself then —- I mean, now. But it’s all so … different. It doesn’t quite live up to what I had imagined in my head.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole looked at her, his eyes filled with emotion. After a moment he said slowly, “Yeah, I get that.”</p><p> </p><p>Her chest hurt. Cole meant them. <em> Her. </em> </p><p> </p><p>She couldn’t bear to answer him directly. “Well, not every caterpillar becomes a butterfly.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole wrinkled his brow and smiled sadly. “Huh, I’ve never heard that before. I like that.” He looked away and out the window, pensive.</p><p> </p><p>As the cab entered the Holland Tunnel, they were suddenly in darkness. The lights passed over Cole’s face intermittently and Cassie couldn’t drag her eyes away from him. She had dreamed of that face for months. And now he was here and she felt like she barely knew him.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, I shouldn’t have said that about Aaron. You’re right, it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked at her. “Cassie.” He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry about what happened to him. I know that he —-I know that you loved him. If I could’ve done something, I promise you that I would have.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know that.” </p><p> </p><p>“Cassie, I know a lot of my choices haven’t made sense to you lately. And I know that you must have gone through hell in 2044. And that’s my fault too—“</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, don’t—-“</p><p> </p><p>“Wait. Just let me finish. I just wanted to say thank you for doing this with me, now. Thank you for trusting me.” </p><p> </p><p>Their eyes were locked as the tunnel lights passed over them. Cole’s face disappeared and reappeared to her. All at once something beloved and unfamiliar; present yet elusive. Her heart clamored to be near him; to close this gulf between them and draw him close. In that moment, Cassie wanted to tell him everything about their time apart — how she had thought of him every day; taken refuge in his bed; hungrily listened to every anecdote Katarina shared about him; walked the halls of Raritan imagining him there. How even though Cole seemed to always choose someone else over her, she still wanted to take him in her arms and tell the world to go to hell. </p><p> </p><p>Then, all of sudden the cab was flooded with bright sunshine as they emerged from the tunnel. Cassie squinted and shielded her eyes from the light. They were almost there and the messengers were waiting. She turned her eyes back to Cole. </p><p> </p><p>“This is a second chance to catch them. It was logical. <em> That’s </em> why I’m here.” </p><p> </p><p>He wordlessly absorbed her rebuff. Then the cab driver cleared his throat. “We’re about 10 minutes away, folks.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole nodded and sighed as he leaned back in his seat. He ran his hands through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>“So, we will head straight to Tommy’s room, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie smirked. “Wait, is that <em> a plan</em>, Cole?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole shook his head, half smiling. “Hey, I came up with a pretty damn good one to get us into that reception. How about a little credit?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you did an admirable job doing whatever you did with that woman wearing Jones’ necklace. Well done, Cole.”</p><p> </p><p>He stopped smiling instantly. “Hey, <em> nothing </em> happened with her. You <em> know </em>that.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie’s breath hitched in her throat. It was infuriating how happy that made her.</p><p> </p><p>Cole shifted in his seat and mumbled, “She’s not my type anyway.” </p><p> </p><p>Cassie refused to take the bait. “Probably for the best. She would’ve been quite disappointed by your war injury.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole barked out a laugh. “Yeah, thanks again for that. Somewhere that FBI agent feels like an asshole. It was almost worth the humiliation.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mission Cross, folks. Here we are.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie peered out the front window as Cole handed the cab driver his fare. “Thanks, man. Have a good one.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole opened the car door and climbed out. Before Cassie could exit on her side, he had already opened her door and extended his hand. Cassie inhaled deeply and took it. As she rose, they were suddenly face to face. </p><p> </p><p>“You ready?” Cole’s eyes were steady and sure. His hand was warm and strong around her own. It felt right despite everything else that was wrong between them. And, for one moment, everything else melted away. </p><p> </p><p>Then Cassie released his hand and stepped back. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes. Let’s go.” </p><p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 1959</h2></a>
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  <b>1959</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Believe me, there’s nothing I ever wanted more than this.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole’s chest felt like it was going to cave in. He pulled Cassie even closer against his chest and buried his face in her hair. Eyes squeezed shut, he tried to make his mind stop and just hold onto her. Everything he had ever wanted —- and all that he never dared to imagine— was in his arms right now. </p><p> </p><p>And he had to undo it. All of it. </p><p> </p><p>A sob began to claw its way through his chest. Cole tightened his arms around Cassie, desperate to keep it at bay. <em> I can’t do this.  </em></p><p> </p><p>How could he give this up? To erase it all — their love, their home ...their child. Lillian’s words taunted him. Love <em> would be </em> undone. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie's hands slid up his back and until they reached the back of his neck. She drew him toward her until their foreheads touched. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m here.” Her eyes searched his. “What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>Cole looked down at the ground. He wanted to tell her everything — the red leaves in the woods, Lillian... that this couldn’t be. He blinked back tears and took a shaky breath. <em> I have to tell her. We have to do this together. </em></p><p> </p><p>Cassie dipped her head to meet his gaze. “Cole, this baby is going to be so lucky to have you as a father.” She cupped the side of his face, her eyes full of emotion. “I’ve never wanted anything more than this either — with <em> you.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>Words failed him. All he could do was nod. A smile slowly spread across her face and she leaned in to press her lips to his. </p><p> </p><p>As she pulled away, Cole’s heart was in his throat. He could scarcely bear the weight of this grief before he walked into the house. But now seeing her joy was a new kind of agony. </p><p> </p><p>And then he knew what he had to do. </p><p> </p><p>He would bear it for both of them. Cole would give her this one last night and then carry what they lost alone. What purpose would it serve to rip this away from her when it would all be reset and she wouldn’t remember anyway? It was selfish to inflict that on her for one night rather than allow her to be happy for a little longer. He exhaled and ran his hands through his hair. <em> You gotta get through this.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry I’m so late. Did you already eat?”</p><p> </p><p>“No — I made lasagna.” She paused. “I mean, if I didn’t burn it to a crisp by now.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole laughed despite the heavy weight on his heart. “Hey, I know one of these days it’s going to work out for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie punched him in the arm. “Fine, you are a better cook than me, Cole. But I’m better at everything else.” She smiled mischievously and turned toward the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>Cole watched her walk away in wonder. God he loved her. The last few months had been a revelation. He had never known Cassandra Railly other than under a constant threat. The woman he fell in love with was determined, whip smart, and principled. But the woman with whom he had lived was also funny, playful, and affectionate. She surprised him every day.</p><p> </p><p><em> But tomorrow it won’t be her. </em>Cole’s heart clenched as he remembered the tension between them almost a year ago. The destructive way that they had taken their frustration out on one another; the lack of confidence Cassie had in him; how he couldn’t break through the walls she had built around herself. All of that would be as it was — except that now he understood the difference. Cole knew what it was like to live in a world where she chose him. It was like discovering the sun. But he would never again know what it was like to hold her in his arms. Cassie would never look at him in that way that made him wonder how he could possibly deserve her. </p><p>Cole looked around the family room. He had found peace here alone. But it wasn’t until Cassie that it became more than a refuge. She had made it his home — the first since he had been a boy curled up next to his father reading stories. And he could look at himself in the mirror despite his past because he had, in a way that he never expected, found a place for her to be safe. </p><p> </p><p>But now he would undo that too — he would thrust her back into the mission. Instead of saving lives, Cassie would be forced to take them once again. </p><p> </p><p>The grandfather clock chimed. It was eight o’clock. He had to stop mourning the past and dreading the future. <em> Now </em> was all he had with her. Cole took a deep breath and steadied himself to make the most of it. Charlie was right. All he was wishing for was more time.</p><p> </p><p>He walked to the doorway of the kitchen and leaned against it for a moment, watching Cassie. She was frowning over the casserole dish and swearing under her breath. Cole chuckled despite himself and she spun around. </p><p> </p><p>“Dammit, I got distracted and it’s ruined.”</p><p> </p><p>He walked over to her and slid his hands on to her hips as he peered over her shoulder. She had not exaggerated.</p><p> </p><p>“I think we can salvage the middle. It’ll be fine, thank you. It was my turn anyway. My fault I was late.”</p><p> </p><p>“I tried so hard not to burn it this time. I mean Christmas was already an utter disaster.”</p><p> </p><p>“It wasn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie turned and looked at him. “Cole. That turkey was petrified.”</p><p> </p><p>“And then we made another. It was the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie smiled at him despite her frustration and did that little quirk with her mouth when she was about to make another point. Instead, he slid his hand along her jaw and kissed her. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie made a small sound as she wound her arms around his neck. Her fingers slid into his hair. Cole wanted to show her what he couldn’t say with words. He kissed her urgently and she responded immediately. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie leaned back against the oven and drew him closer. She pressed her body against him as her mouth demanded more. God he wanted her. For just one last time, Cole wanted to feel that overwhelming rush whenever they were together; that nothing else mattered. He wanted to lift her up onto the counter right now. To strip away everything that was between them and give into oblivion. </p><p> </p><p><em> You cannot. </em>The voice rang like a klaxon in his head. And so instead, he forced himself to stop. Cole kissed her forehead and stepped back.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie looked dazed. “Cole, why…?”</p><p> </p><p>He cut her off, trying to keep his tone light. “I’m an asshole for making you wait in your condition. You’re going to feel terrible again if you don’t eat. Come on, let’s sit down.” Cole then picked up the dish and headed over to their small table to avoid her questioning gaze. </p><p> </p><p>He had to walk away. To be with her now would be a grave betrayal of her trust. It felt wrong. <em> Cassie said time was finally on our side. Bullshit. </em>But Cole forced away the dark thoughts as she slowly approached in silence. </p><p> </p><p>“So, how are you feeling? Any nausea today?”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie sat down across from Cole and looked at him knowingly. She could always see right through him. But she played along anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve felt pretty good actually. Tired but that’s about it. So did you -- did you go anywhere in particular today?”</p><p> </p><p>“I —- I actually went out to the woods.” At least it wasn’t a lie. </p><p> </p><p>She studied his face for a moment. And then, “Well I’m glad you did what you needed to do.”</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for understanding.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie nodded and then served. Cole took the first bite. It was <em> terrible.</em> But he chewed and smiled enthusiastically. Cassie took one forkful and then picked up a napkin and spit it out. “That’s awful! Oh my god!” She downed a glass of water quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Then their eyes met and Cole couldn’t help but start laughing. He didn’t know if it was how truly terrible this latest culinary effort was, the look on her face, or how much he needed a release of any kind. Cassie’s annoyed stoicism soon gave in to laughter as well. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god this is just atrocious<em>.” </em>She wiped away a tear of laughter. “How can it be so bad? I did everything the recipe said.” </p><p> </p><p>Cole caught his breath. “Listen, you are a brilliant doctor and an all around badass. But can we just call this one and let me cook from now on?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ha, deal.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, how about grilled cheese? We gotta get something in you.”</p><p> </p><p>“That would be great.” And she smiled at him so sweetly that Cole was certain his heart was actually breaking in two. </p><p> </p><p>He stood up and smacked his hands together. “Alright, two grilled cheeses coming right up.”</p><p> </p><p>As Cole busied himself with the pan, he could feel Cassie’s eyes on him. He turned back to look at her and smiled. She seemed to exhale a little.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, do you have a feeling one way or another? The only ultrasound machine being used in OB right now is in Scotland. It’s going to drive me crazy waiting.”</p><p> </p><p>“You mean— is it a boy or a girl?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>For a moment, the image of a little boy came into his mind’s eye; large brown eyes looking up at him. And then the pit returned to his stomach. He forced his voice to remain calm.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, I don’t really have a feeling one way or another. You?” He turned back to the stove. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, I got wound up thinking about how challenging it’s going to be to raise a little girl in the 60s. I mean, she’s going to have to battle for even the most basic things. I already am furious thinking about it. But then I don’t know, then I just have this feeling that it’s a boy.” She paused and then said quickly, “I know that sounds silly.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole turned to look at her again. “It doesn’t sound silly at all.” Tears pricked as he thought of this child who would never be. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned back against the stove and held her gaze. “Cassie, I — I never imagined that I could be so happy.” It was true right now --even as the knowledge of what he had to do felt like an undertow. He had to tell her how much he wanted this too before they were both pulled under. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie’s eyes glistened. “Me too. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time pushing you away.”</p><p> </p><p>“We both did our share of that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s never do that again.”</p><p> </p><p>A lump formed in Cole’s throat. “I promise.” Then the sizzle of the pan pierced the air. </p><p> </p><p>Cole flipped both sandwiches onto plates and brought them back over to the table. Cassie bit into her sandwich and closed her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Good?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmhmmm.”</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled. Then they ate together in comfortable silence. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay but where did you learn to make them so perfectly? I know I’d burn the crap out of this too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ha. It’s just grilled cheese! Ramse taught me to cook. We had to take turns making dinner at the foster home. He’s damn good in a kitchen. I just tried to keep up.” Then he fell silent remembering his friend.</p><p> </p><p>She reached across the table and grabbed his hand. “I’m sure he’s okay, Cole. You know Ramse — he’s a survivor.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure you’re right.” By now, they knew their lines by heart. He wondered if she believed it as little as he did. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie sat back in her chair, ruefully staring at the remains of the lasagna. “My dad and I ordered take out basically every night after my mom died. And then between med school and residency, I just never had the time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’m glad I can bring one skill set to the table.”</p><p> </p><p>Cassie raised an eyebrow and leaned forward. “James, you have many skills to offer.” </p><p> </p><p>He felt a blush climbing up his neck. He delighted in how forward Cassie was; both here and when they were together. But the way she was looking at him right now was goddamn torture.</p><p> </p><p>Cole cleared his throat and stood up to clear the plates. He motioned for her to stay seated and busied himself with cleaning up. </p><p> </p><p>When he had finished, Cassie rose out of her chair and suddenly gripped the table. He was by her side in an instant. </p><p> </p><p>“Cassie, are you okay? What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh it’s nothing. I just felt a wave like I was going to faint for a moment. It’s the progesterone — lowers the blood pressure. It’s normal.”</p><p> </p><p>Cole slid himself under her right arm and pulled her into lean against him. “Come on, let’s go lie down.” She murmured her assent and he guided her slowly to the bedroom. When they reached the bed he helped her sit down and then walked over to the dresser for her nightgown. </p><p> </p><p>“I feel silly Cole, you don’t have to.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shhh, you feel terrible. This is all I can do to help. After all it <em> is </em> my fault.” He quirked an eyebrow at her and she laughed softly. It felt good for just a moment to be them and not like he was acting out some part in a surreal play. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie raised her arms and he pulled her shirt over her head. Then he lowered the nightgown and helped her arms through. She sighed and leaned her head against his leg. Cole stood still and lightly stroked her hair as she slowly breathed in and out. </p><p> </p><p>They remained like that for a few minutes. Cole looked down at the golden hair splayed across her shoulders. He listened to her breathing. He reveled in just being there. This Cassie allowed him to support her; allowed herself to be vulnerable with him. It made his chest ache to think that this would all be gone tomorrow. Soon she would keep him at arms length again.</p><p> </p><p>Cassie finally looked up at him. “I’m better now. Thank you.” Then she pushed herself back against the pillow as she undid her bra from under the nightgown and shimmied her pants off. Cole picked them both up and placed them on the chair with her shirt. </p><p> </p><p>“Come be with me.” Her voice was small and sweet. He took his shoes off and climbed in next to her. Cassie made a small contented sound as she nestled into her usual spot on his chest. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of her hair. Cole had to remember every detail. It was all that he would have left.</p><p> </p><p>After a moment, Cassie spoke out into the darkness. </p><p> </p><p>“Cole, I know you’re not ok. You haven’t been yourself tonight. Please talk to me.”</p><p> </p><p>He winced. Cole <em> hated </em> this. He hated withholding the truth from her. He thought it was a mercy but what if he was just being weak? Didn’t he owe her a say? And yet there was no other choice: <em> everything </em> depended on this sacrifice. If he told her, then they both would spend these last moments in misery. But if he kept it to himself, she would never have to feel this pain — the agony of undoing the life they had created together. She could simply drift to sleep; painless and without regret.</p><p> </p><p>He kissed the top of her head. “You’re right. What we have scares me sometimes, Cassie. I feel like I don’t deserve it. And I worry about the world our child will live in. And I wonder about what happened to our friends.”  More half truths. “I’m sorry. I’m rambling.” </p><p> </p><p>Cassie lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest. She smoothed the hair out his eyes. It always steadied him. As her hand moved gently down his cheek, Cole turned into her palm and kissed it. She waited for him to meet her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole, I think about them too. But the sky is blue. There is no reason to think Ramse didn’t stop this.”</p><p> </p><p>His mind flashed to the red tree. Cole swallowed hard.</p><p> </p><p>“But you’re right, we don’t know what the future holds. What I do think about is that day that we saved Hannah. You asked Jones if a moment of happiness was worth a lifetime of anything else. She said yes. She was right. And so were you.” </p><p> </p><p><em> But it’s the losing that haunts us. </em> Her words from that night rang in his head. <em> She </em> was right too. This moment would haunt him forever. </p><p> </p><p>Cole remained silent and leaned down to press his lips to hers. He would make promises to her now in his heart that he couldn’t say out loud. He would never forgive himself for erasing their child. He would do everything he could to find a safe place for her to go back to. </p><p> </p><p>His kiss was gentle, reverent. He held her face in his hands as if it was the most precious thing in the world. And then he smoothed her hair back and looked in her eyes one last time. She smiled back sleepily. </p><p> </p><p>Cassie shifted on her side and pulled him along with her. She curled against him and entwined her fingers with his. Then she placed their joined hands on her abdomen. Cole squeezed his eyes shut as tears silently escaped at the corners. <br/><br/></p><p><em> Time was never on our side. </em>He lay there holding onto her. To them.</p><p> </p><p>When Cassie’s breath evened out, Cole shifted up onto one elbow. He looked down on his entire world — here in this beautiful, challenging, brilliant woman. They had both been right. Yes, losing her would haunt him for the rest of his days. But he would also rather have this moment then die never having it at all. </p><p> </p><p>Cole sat up and stroked her hair one last time. He covered her with a blanket. Then he summoned a strength that he didn’t know he had and got up. At the door, he allowed himself one last look at her. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to run out into the night air and scream at the fates that demanded this of him. But Cole knew he had to keep going if he was ever going to go through with it. <em> Let’s get this over with.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole strode out into the living room. He looked around at the Christmas tree; the opened boxes of presents; Cassie’s butterfly comb. He paused and picked it up, turning it over and over in his hand. </p><p> </p><p>He had always carried her words from that cab ride to New Jersey with him. For Cassie, they represented a grim sort of wisdom about unfulfilled hopes. Yet, he had strangely found solace in her words that day— that sometimes the unexpected was just around the corner. Then he had seen it in that shop and thought it was a sign. That they were meant to be. <em> Not every caterpillar I guess... </em></p><p> </p><p>Cole surrendered the gift. It was now an offering to this timeline. He took another look around the room. Cassie said that they knew this place — the witness did. That they <em> used </em> it. He seethed with anger. Well, then he had a message for them. </p><p> </p><p>Cole picked up a piece of charcoal from the remnants of the fire and began to write.</p><p>Ashes were all that remained. He would use them to mark this place in time for what it was. </p><p> </p><p>“1957-59. This was home.”</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note: A deleted scene from “Memory of Tomorrow” depicts Cole and Cassie dancing with the butterfly comb in her hair and a turkey subsequently falls victim to Cassie’s culinary efforts. Cole had already planned a back up turkey.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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